The secret to having better romantic relationships . . .
This is something I’ve been thinking about over the past few weeks. Is there any one real secret to having better romantic relationships?
I’ve taught classes on the 4 basics of relationships: Intimacy, Trust, Communication, and Conflict.
But, if I had to choose one secret to having a successful romantic relationship after having experienced a series of unsuccessful relationships, it would be this:
Know Thyself.
You have to really know who you are and what really makes you tick before you can truly have success in dating and a committed romantic relationship.
You have to know your past in order to understand your present so you can change your future.
You have to be willing to go on a continual exploration of what makes you YOU so that not only you can learn why you make the same repeated mistakes, but so you can permanently do something about it.
I’ll give you a personal example.
I have always wondered why I have always been OK with accepting little from the men I’ve dated. Yet, I had this expectation that men should be providers.
During my quiet time one day, I realized that I learned this from my dad. My dad has always been the provider in my family. Not just for our immediate family, but even for extended family. He was the one that people came to for advice and for help during hard times.
But one thing that I never saw my dad do was go shopping for my mom. I never saw him go out and intentionally buy something for her. He would do nice things every once in a while – he got her a really cute puppy once. 🙂
What I saw was my mom always doing for my dad, even when she was angry with him. For a long time, she always bought him Christmas presents, although she never received one in return. I saw her get up every morning and cook for my dad even when they had an argument the day before. No matter what happened, she always looked out for him, making sure he had what he needed.
So I learned by example a few things:
- Always give. Don’t expect to receive.
- If you are the provider, then others will give to you.
I am an interesting mix of both of my parents. I took on my dad’s tendency to be a provider and a source of advice and information. I’ve positioned myself to be that person that people come to when they need help. But I also took on my mom’s tendency to be a people pleaser – thinking that the more I give expecting nothing in return, it’ll make me a better person and my significant other would automatically want to take care of me or provide me for.
This dynamic works for me parents. But it doesn’t quite work for me. By taking on these behaviors, I came in direct conflict what what I said I truly wanted in a relationship.
You attract what you believe, not what you say you want.
So I continued to attract relationships that were in conflict with my heart’s desire and God’s desire for me until I learned to change my beliefs. But I couldn’t change those beliefs until I took the time to get to know myself – get to know why I believe what I believe – get to know why I do what I do – get to know why I want what I want.
When I got down to the nitty gritty core of what has influenced and shaped me to be the person that I am today, I was able to understand my present and change my future – especially in my relationships.
My question for you today is – Why are you YOU? Why do you believe what you believe? Why do you behave the way you do in relationships? Why did you learn that from?
Take a few days and meditate on the answer to these questions. You may be surprised what you discover about yourself.
~Sherica
